Am I Happy?

27 Mar

When married do each of you have agreed to fuse personal happiness in order to build happiness together? What happiness does a boat with two heads aim at? When I try to make my partner happy, is he really happy? Then, am I also happy? 

The questions above scattered in my head. Finding answers is very difficult because the definition of happiness itself is so absurd. When I was seven, happy was when I could sleep late at night. When a teenager is happy when he finds out the person I am appraising turns out to have a crush. Then when you are happy when you can pay semester money from the work of partime. When you become a happy reporter, you can make exclusive news and become headlines. After married?

I realize the tagline “lived happily ever after” belongs only to the daughters of the fairyland. And being aware of my stubborn nature, I must be prepared for all the debates that are bound to occur. In a relationship we are not always in agreement. There are differences of opinion and frictions that trigger a fight. Small quarrels can be enlarged just because each is right. But from there we study. The best thing to relieve emotions when a great fight occurs is to recall the times we fell in love.

I still remember, we met in the hot afternoon in front of the high court. At that time my friends and I were holding an action demanding the release of a criminalized worker. He? Are coverage of course. I just talked to my friend who is also a journalist, when the figure of the man (who later became my husband) suddenly chatted our chat and invited acquaintances. If I imagine that scene, the figure that appears is only a shoulder-length haired man with a shabby brown jacket. Don’t ask for his face, because it’s only blurry. ha ha ha

Honestly, when I get acquainted I don’t look full. Just reaching out, smile, name, and pass. Not arrogant, but hunted for time. The months passed and we met again. I, who was hurrying to pursue coverage, was surprised by his call. He and his friend also seemed to be chasing after the same coverage. On the location, I looked like I was really scared because it was so new that reporters were suddenly dragged to an area near the stage. “If you take a photo from here, it’s better,” he said. That’s where I began to remember his face, but still not memorized his name.

The moon changed again and he sent me a message. I don’t know where my phone number is, because I don’t remember giving my number to him. From there we start sending messages, just asking questions or discussing coverage. Our communication is actually not often, occasionally. But because of a project that involved me and my seniors in Mapala (who turned out to be a friend of his office) we were more intense in communicating.

Then somehow we disappeared. For a long time I did not hear from him and instead I did not give him news. Until one day I dreamed of it. There was no thought before, he suddenly appeared in my dreams. Until now the scene in the dream was still I remember. We both sat in a coffee shop, he told me about his plan to leave Jogja. The dream continued to imagine me until a few days later I decided to call him. The sound is crisp and happy echoing in my ear, then we chat at length for hours. Maybe my subconscious really missed him.

From that moment on we became close. More often meet and do many things together. But if we are asked when ‘invented’ we cannot answer. Everything flows until we are comfortable with each other and decide to get married. He broke my principle of wanting to get married at the age of three heads.

The wedding plan is also not without obstacles. Towards the wedding day, I insisted on coverage to Nusakambangan (at that time the execution of death row narcotics cases II) will be carried out. That made us clash until it crossed my mind to cancel the wedding. But everything’s back. We realize that a strong relationship must pass a tough test. And other exams are still scattered in front. After marriage, it doesn’t mean we are happy forever. There are times when we are sad, angry, and disappointed. Our marriage age is still very young, just stepping on the second year, fighting is still happening but it is increasingly rare, increasingly rare, and increasingly rare, it’s a sign that we continue to learn.

And am I happy? When writing this post the answer is of course. To be happy is very easy. Thank God and enjoy what you have. And small things like husband eat heartily and say my food is delicious already makes me happy. Like life, happiness is simple, the only great thing is the interpretation.

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